Just a perfect day
Decisions… the ability of taking decisions in itself is a power, that means you have options and you are free to choose, nothing constrains you, no boundaries, no bars, no regrets, just pros and cons and the freedom to weight them and wow… if you can also use more criteria and make it a complex complicated not easy to pull through process is already challenging and demanding and whenever you go through a challenging and demanding experience you gain power, the power to say yes or not, this or that, I want or I don’t want, I like or I hate, it’s me or it’s not me. It puts you in control of whatever you decide upon, it puts you in control of yourself and it puts you on top of the options you have because it acknowledges the self evaluating ability. This is what I lack right now, the power to say I want this or that it’s yes or no and I know that my life will continue this way… I think I have now a glimpse of what Dri must have gone through when she didn’t know if the next day she was going to Qatar or she was going home or she was staying here…but it’s not even the same because she had made her choice, she knew what she wanted and she didn’t need to wait for anything else than the faith to do its trick and bring her there. I cannot make up my mind now, I cannot say I want to continue here or there, like this or like that because I don’t have all the pieces to decide, I don’t have all the information and I’m pressured and I’m put on hold and it’s all supposed to be easy, focus on today until tomorrow will come, but it’s not as said. Am I not In control? It’s all supposed to be very easy… hold on for now, do what you do every day, give your best because you know there will be this point when it’s time to choose and there will be all pieces of the puzzle put together so that I get a hole picture of how my life can look like for the next year….hm I cannot believe another phase is fading away and I need to move on soon in one direction or another. What kills me the most is the feeling that I didn’t gain enough here, with this experience, at least not In the direction I wanted… and I am not relaxed enough and I still don’t have a reference point and a person to look up to in my work and I still have to do things as good as I can but not as good as they can get, just as good as I’m able to get them with my limited knowledge and power…
Decisions, why are they so fucking omnipresent? Why do decisions become overwhelming? When do they become too much? When do you start feeling that you decide something every freaking second? When to stop information flow, what to read, where to have dinner, whom to meet tonight, whether to stay at home and rest after major workaholic brain damage, hang on for another half an hour to talk to your family after three weeks of blackout so that they don’t freak out and call the international funeral services – I wonder if someone invented those – get out and get wild to release the stress and float a bit on some alcohol vapors or sheesha smoke or even better taste some chocolate coz it’s the best at easing stress and getting into the right mood, to be faithful, to get laid, to send someone on it’s way, to play the game or send to hell… but those are easy….all come naturally, it depends on the way you are, how do you express, how easily you let yourself driven by the stream of sensations or emotions or facts happening everyday inside and around you, they are never too much and never weighing on your shoulders. So what then? I know! Decisions become too much when you cannot take them. They are overwhelming when you have the incapacity of taking one, the same old stupid feeling of no power, no control, no master of own self, void, empty, random movement of confused neurons sunk in dead brain.
And then it pops into your little tormented head… I don’t have all the pieces, I have to learn to be patient, I have to stop bitching around and poisoning everyone with my nerves and to start empowering and do things in a constructive way. I feel so much apart from my colleagues that none can imagine, and I need a solid and motivational and friendly work environment and I cannot have it if I keep screaming at everyone and blame them for everything that goes wrong or its not done on time. Of course its their fault because they don’t know how to work, but its my fault because I don’t know how to explain the situation to them in such a way that they feel committed to one project and keep part of their energy focused on it. They work a lot but in a wrong way and with minimum results instead of working less and better oriented. I love Reem, I trust that she does everything in her power to make some things happen but still I think bad of her when she cannot get the results that I expect from her, because I have higher expectations and I’m fucking frustrated that she and all the rest don’t know how to organize their work and how to be result oriented, they don’t see the finality of their work.
And so I jump from one thought to another, from one feeling to another from one topic to another, I’m exactly as inconsistent as I seem from reading all these lines, someone can read me in between these like an open book, as you could see my autobiography on my face or in my gestures or in one conversation of get to know each other….a longer one but still… and so I open my eyes to myself this time seeing within and not liking what I see and deciding again to do something about it or not to do anything about it yet, just to rest, rest and get back my mind and my focus and my ability to enjoy everyday and to decide every second.
Just a perfect day…
Drink sangria in the park and then later when it gets dark we go home.
Just a perfect day…
Feed animals in the zoo and maybe a movie to and then home…
I miss someone to keep me hanging on and sometimes you get just sick and tired of hanging on to yourself and by yourself for all humankind. Another decision to take… other eyes to open…
Decisions, why are they so fucking omnipresent? Why do decisions become overwhelming? When do they become too much? When do you start feeling that you decide something every freaking second? When to stop information flow, what to read, where to have dinner, whom to meet tonight, whether to stay at home and rest after major workaholic brain damage, hang on for another half an hour to talk to your family after three weeks of blackout so that they don’t freak out and call the international funeral services – I wonder if someone invented those – get out and get wild to release the stress and float a bit on some alcohol vapors or sheesha smoke or even better taste some chocolate coz it’s the best at easing stress and getting into the right mood, to be faithful, to get laid, to send someone on it’s way, to play the game or send to hell… but those are easy….all come naturally, it depends on the way you are, how do you express, how easily you let yourself driven by the stream of sensations or emotions or facts happening everyday inside and around you, they are never too much and never weighing on your shoulders. So what then? I know! Decisions become too much when you cannot take them. They are overwhelming when you have the incapacity of taking one, the same old stupid feeling of no power, no control, no master of own self, void, empty, random movement of confused neurons sunk in dead brain.
And then it pops into your little tormented head… I don’t have all the pieces, I have to learn to be patient, I have to stop bitching around and poisoning everyone with my nerves and to start empowering and do things in a constructive way. I feel so much apart from my colleagues that none can imagine, and I need a solid and motivational and friendly work environment and I cannot have it if I keep screaming at everyone and blame them for everything that goes wrong or its not done on time. Of course its their fault because they don’t know how to work, but its my fault because I don’t know how to explain the situation to them in such a way that they feel committed to one project and keep part of their energy focused on it. They work a lot but in a wrong way and with minimum results instead of working less and better oriented. I love Reem, I trust that she does everything in her power to make some things happen but still I think bad of her when she cannot get the results that I expect from her, because I have higher expectations and I’m fucking frustrated that she and all the rest don’t know how to organize their work and how to be result oriented, they don’t see the finality of their work.
And so I jump from one thought to another, from one feeling to another from one topic to another, I’m exactly as inconsistent as I seem from reading all these lines, someone can read me in between these like an open book, as you could see my autobiography on my face or in my gestures or in one conversation of get to know each other….a longer one but still… and so I open my eyes to myself this time seeing within and not liking what I see and deciding again to do something about it or not to do anything about it yet, just to rest, rest and get back my mind and my focus and my ability to enjoy everyday and to decide every second.
Just a perfect day…
Drink sangria in the park and then later when it gets dark we go home.
Just a perfect day…
Feed animals in the zoo and maybe a movie to and then home…
I miss someone to keep me hanging on and sometimes you get just sick and tired of hanging on to yourself and by yourself for all humankind. Another decision to take… other eyes to open…
posted by Amedeea @ 8:21 AM
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